Frequently Asked Questions (FAQ)
A Primer on Gentle Teaching
Gentle Teaching is many things. Gentleness toward
others, in spite of what anyone does or does not do, is the critical
factor. It is a paradox. Fists are met with hugs. Cursing is met with
words of affection and nurturing. Spiteful eyes are met with warmth.
Gentleness recognizes that all change is mutual and interwoven. It
starts with caregivers and, hopefully, touches those who are most
marginalized. Its central focus is to express unconditional love. It is
the framework around a psychology of human interdependence. The main
idea of gentleness is not to get rid of someone else’s behaviors, but to
deepen our own inner feelings of gentleness in the face of violence or
disregard.
Gentle Teaching is also a teaching approach. As
such, it has four initial teaching purposes—to teach others to feel
safe, loved, loving, and engaged. These do not just happen. They are
taught through repeated acts of love. Gentle caregivers learn to use
their presence, hands, words, and eyes as their primary teaching tools
to uplift and honor others.
Gentle Teaching is...
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Focusing on being kind, nurturing, and loving toward
marginalized children and adults—those who have been
pushed to the edge of family or community life,
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Helping those who have sorrowful life-stories feel safe
with us and loved by us and others,
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Helping those who have inherent vulnerabilities such as
extreme poverty, homelessness, mental disability or
mental illness feel safe with us and loved by us and
others,
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Looking at our role as teaching feelings of
companionship and community,
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Mending broken hearts—hearts that have been broken by
tragic life stories or by the particular nature of a
mental or emotional disability.
Gentle Teaching is based on a psychology of human
interdependence. It asks caregivers to look at themselves and their
spirit of gentleness to find ways to express warmth and unconditional
love toward those who are the most disenfranchised from family and
community life. It views our role as critical and requires a deep
commitment to personal and social change. It starts with ourselves, our
warmth toward others, our willingness to give without any expectation of
receiving anything in return, and our intense desire to form feelings of
companionship and community with those who are the most pushed to the
very edge of society.
Gentle Teaching focuses on four essential feelings
that need to be taught to those who are served— safe, loved, loving, and
engaged. Caregivers not only need to ensure that those whom they serve
are safe, but, more importantly, feel safe.
Safe means a sense of self-dignity because "My care
givers sees me as whole and good." It also means that caregivers have to
teach each person "You are safe with me!" My hands will never harm you!
My words will never put you down! And, my eyes will never look at you
with disdain!" Feeling safe gives a deep sense of being at peace while
with caregivers. And this spreads eventually to others.
Flinching in terror at someone’s approach begins to
disappear and is replaced with a calming sensation and a feeling of
relief. The teacher can now walk up to the child and the little one
feels relaxed and attentive. The parent can walk by the child in the
living room and the child feels a sense of warmth. The man who used to
curse and hit the caregiver now looks for a warm embrace. The woman who
used to run away now wants to be with her caregiver.
A spirit of gentleness involves teaching those who are
marginalized that they are loved. This also starts with a feeling "I am
somebody!" It is intertwined with a feeling of being safe, but goes
beyond it. It deepens that sense of security and gives hope to the
person. Feeling loved by others means the person begins to learn "I am
more than safe. Life is more than no harm coming to me. If I am safe and
loved, then I perhaps can give this to others."
Once feeling loved, the child or adult begins to have
a deepening sense of warmth toward others—a smile when seeing a
caregiver, cheerful words or sounds, a twinkle in the eye. The man in
the homeless shelter who has no material goods begins to think "I am
somebody because my care givers see me as somebody!" As the person
begins to feel safe and loved, these feelings then begin to spread out
to others. Those who are marginalized begin to reach out to others with
their love. Hands become tools for tenderness and embraces. Words become
tools for uplifting others. Eyes become windows to the heart.
Caregivers also teach human engagement. This is
made up of three basic feelings: 1) it is good to be with one another,
2) it is good to do things with one another. And, 3) it is good to
things for one another. Human engagement is the homeless person in the
shelter preparing and serving meals to others. It is the child in the
classroom doing projects with other children. It is the man or woman in
a group home doing chores together simply because it is good to be
together. It is street children forming community to protect each other
and share the little they have gathered.
Gentle Teaching is Not..
Some people have misperceptions about what Gentle
Teaching is. It is not the traditional behavioral approach used in many
industrialized countries. It does not wait for vulnerable children or
adults to do something "good" and reward them. It recognizes human
suffering, aloneness, choicelessness, and oppression. It asks caregivers
to give marginalized people unconditional love.
It is not:
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A behavioral or behavior modification approach that uses
reward and punishment to change behaviors rather it is
based on unconditional love,
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A "whatever works" approach rather one that looks at
broadening and deepening a sense of companionship and
community as a life-project,
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A fast and easy approach toward helping others, but one
that calls on deep commitment and dedication on the part
of caregivers,
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Just a way to look at changing someone else’s reality,
but first asking us to look at our own reality and make
it warmer and more loving,
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Simply a technique but also a psychology of human
interdependence.
How Can I Teach a Spirit of Gentleness?
The teaching part of Gentle Teaching is fairly
straightforward. We teach others companionship and community through
repeated acts of love. The basic tools to teach these feelings are
clear—our hands, words, and eyes. Each tool has as its first
purpose the teaching of each person to feel safe and loved. Frequently,
our hands’ physical contact provides the first and fastest way to
indicate to a terrified person that she/he is safe with us. Our words’
message needs to be one of bringing peace and even initial protection.
And, our face’s serenity and warmth says more than anything—giving a
deep sense of hope, safety, and love. The main teaching techniques call
on us to use these tools with great care to give a memory to each person
that says, "When you are here, you are safe and loved!" Some teaching
tips are:
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Touch tenderly without provoking any violence. For the
little child or the adult abandoned to years of ware
housing this might mean a 1,000 hugs a day—first just
light and slow touches to the hand, then to the face,
and eventually transformed into an embrace.
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For some, touch might be very minimal-- for the man or
woman racked with extreme poverty touch might be a warm
handshake upon greeting and leaving or for the adult
traumatized by sexual abuse it might be just our
physical proximity.
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Speak softly, slowly, and affectionately—using your word
to uplift, encourage, and nurture instead of to correct
or reprimand.
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Gaze warmly into the person’s eyes as if they are the
windows to the soul.
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Do activities with the person, or even for the person,
before expecting anyone to do things for you.
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Beckon the person to reach out to you with loving touch,
soft words, and warm gazes.
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At all costs, avoid provoking any violence and focus
sharply on evoking a sense of peace.
What Can I do as a Gentle Person?
Gentleness knows no boundaries. It covers all
cultures. It is expressed differently from one land to another, yet it
is the same. It does not require money or unique resources. It only
requires us. Our central tasks are to find ways that are authentic to
each of us within our particular culture.
When in doubt about what to do, ask yourself a
simple question: "What will help this person feel safe with me and loved
by me?" There is no black-and-white answer. The answer is in our hearts.
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It might be the priest in Japan who smiles lovingly at
the child who screams and curses words of hatred.
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It might be the teacher in the United States who greets
each child who enters the classroom with a warm smile
and a pat on the back.
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It might be the mother in Mexico who starts a school for
children with severe disabilities and makes sure that
each feels safe and loved.
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It might be the physician in Portugal who sees to it
that single pregnant mothers learn their own worth and
that of their infants.
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It might be the caregiver in an institution in Denmark
who gives tender hugs to a woman with autism.
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It might be the group home worker in Canada who forms a
care giving community and ensures that caregivers and
those who are supported feel companionship with each
other.
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It might be the parents of sons and daughters with
life-stories of psychiatric hospitalizations forming an
advocacy group to bring about social change.
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It might be the militant in Brazil living on the streets
with abandoned children—teaching them to feel safe and
loved, to recognize injustice and justice, and sharing
with them the values they need to bring about their own
social change.
The simplest place to start is with ourselves in our
own homes and places of work. There is no big mystery. If we see our own
children as precious and needing to feel safe and loved, we can give
this gift to others. Start with your hands—a tool for making sure that
our children feel safe and loved. Start with your words—a tool to uplift
and respect others. Start with your eyes—a tool to express warmth and
human connection.
Who Are Involved in Gentle Teaching?
A spirit of gentleness should begin at home and spread
out to the community into schools, work places, social service agencies,
churches, and beyond. Gentle Teaching is not for any particular group.
All who support individuals who are marginalized are asked to deepen and
broaden a spirit of gentleness.
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Parents and families who are in a quandary as to how to
help their children,
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Teachers in classrooms who are having a hard time
helping children and adolescents with life-stories
filled with violence, harm to self, and meaninglessness,
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Care givers in institutions who are trying to find
non-violent ways to deal with impersonal systems,
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Care givers in community homes who want to create
feelings of companionship and community,
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Care givers in shelters for the homeless, jails and
prisons who want to bring a spirit of gentleness where
it seems impossible to find,
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Program administrators who want to implement a
management style that establishes a culture of life, and
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Policy-makers and legislators who want to initiate
creative laws and ways to support marginalized people
with dignity and respect.
Who Needs a Spirit of Gentleness?
Gentle Teaching and a psychology of interdependence
are being used to help marginalized children and adults around the
world. Its key focus is on those who are on the very edge of family and
community life:
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Those who are homeless—living on the streets and not
knowing where their next meal will come from,
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Street children in the Third World—little children
living in sewers and gutters, finding their respite
under bridges and door stoops, and making their meals
from garbage thrown on the streets,
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Individuals locked up in long term psychiatric
hospitals—people with schizophrenia, manic-depression,
depression, and a host of other diagnostic categories,
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Institutionalized individuals with mental
disability—sometimes tossed into warehouse-like
settings, sometimes in more home-like places, but most
sensing deep loneliness, and
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Individuals being supported in community living and
working settings—sometimes able to connect easily with a
feeling of companionship and community, at other times
left to live lonely, empty, and sad lives,
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Elderly men and women confined in nursing homes—often
forgotten and left to die alone,
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Children and adolescents in public schools—children with
"behavior" problems, children segregated from other
children, children suspended from school, children who
see violence as their only way to live their short
lives, children who find meaning in gangs instead of in
families.
Many professionals try to separate people into
distinct categories and apply specialized rules for each group. People
with autism need this… Those with schizophrenia need that… This syndrome
demands that treatment. This particular behavior should result in that
particular consequence. Words swirl around, "Use time-out. Use token
economy. Use physical restraint. Punishment is the only way to teach
him/her a lesson." Our approach is to be gentle and teach companionship
and community.
Administering a Spirit of Gentleness
Slowly, but surely, gentleness is taking root in
communities around the world. Agency leaders have a special role to
play. There are many governmental and bureaucratic barriers that make
gentleness hard, not impossible, but unnecessarily difficult. Some of
these are:
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Congregating large numbers of people together so that
warm relationships are hard to establish,
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Looking for ways to control instead of to nurture,
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Using behavior modification analysis and planning as the
be-all-and-end-all of what we must do,
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Training caregivers in practices that are perceived as
violent —the use of physical management, chemical
restraint, and punishment-based intervention,
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Writing policies that encourage congregation,
segregation, and control rather than interdependence,
companionship, and community, and
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Pushing people into independence without needed support
system.
Gentleness, as a life-project, calls on administrators
to look at their mission from a different perspective:
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Creating small, integrated settings in the community,
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Looking at each person as mind-body-spirit and making
sure that each is supported with companionship and
community,
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Setting up policies and practices that nurture
unconditional love and feelings of connectedness,
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Educating all administrators and caregivers in
gentleness towards those supported, and
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Ensuring that human interdependence is the foundation of
all programs, services, and supports.
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